Responsibility in Relationships: Can I Hug You?

Premise: To you, who is one axis of the relationship

"If you want to be loved, love."
And act lovingly.
" Benjamin Franklin

Situation: “Can I hug you?”

It's a magical phrase that becomes increasingly less likely to be uttered as you get older. The reason I added the expression 'magical' is that the reaction of the opposite sex was often a bright laugh of 'unexpected'.

A friend who had been dating for three years and was talking about marriage initially wanted to start a cozy family quickly. As a result, I was somehow appearing as a presence in various situations in the house prepared by her mother, like a son-in-law who had been brought in. Her father said that he was traveling all over the country to build houses, leaving behind his two young daughters and wife. Because of this, her mother had to work, such as insurance sales, to support her two daughters for a long time.

Was it because of that? She wanted me to fill the 'absence of her father,' and she didn't give me the space to check my opinion on the future we would create. I loved her very much and wanted to protect our relationship, but in the end, we broke up.

However, the women I met after that were often those who had experienced the 'absence of their father.' I don't know if I had a desire to confirm my role and presence in relation to a similar kind of 'deficiency' or not, but I was interested in and received attention from those who had experienced similar contexts in their relationship with their father.

Phenomenon: 'Hugging' and 'Trying to hug' have a big difference for me.

My question, 'Can I hug you?', always required courage. It was my own small step forward regarding the uncertainty of whether I could continue the relationship rather than just starting it. To confirm what the other person expects or hopes for from me, and to see if I can accept those things, and whether I can stand tall as my parents' child without being crushed in the process, and whether it can become a relationship where I can do that. It was a phrase that I thought about and agonized over before I uttered it.

Therefore, 'hugging' as in when a parent with open arms approaches their child did not seem like an appropriate expression for me when I imagined a romantic relationship. Instead, attempting to hug gently, despite the anticipation of an unfamiliar and awkward moment, was like a signal that calmly accepted the start of this new relationship, at least by confirming each other's breath and the warmth of each other's bodies.

Thought: Maybe a good relationship starts with a resolve from oneself

Love doesn't just happen.

It's a state that's continuously filled with moments chosen by two people, and that's what we can call a relationship.

Writer Mandy Len Catron said in her TED talk titled ‘Falling in Love Is the Easy Part’that she was interested in a social experiment that Arthur Aron, Ph.D., conducted in 1997 on the topic of 'Can strangers become friends?' She mentioned that she conducted the experiment herself with a man, using a list of questions designed to reveal personal thoughts and values. And it worked, and she wrote an article based on her experience, which went viral, she said.

However, she said that for several months afterward, she received an overwhelming number of the following question, as much as the fame of the article.

“Are you two still together?”

She concludes that people are actually more interested in 'how to maintain a relationship' than how they fall in love. And she ends her talk by confessing that she still hopes that her ongoing relationship has a happy ending.

Relationships often begin with infatuation and excitement. However, maintaining a relationship is like a repetition of processes of clashing, driving you crazy, causing pain, confirming a sense of stability, and having your mind taken away. Isn't there a reason why the popular phrase 'crazy' is used to express love and marriage?

In that sense, 'Can I hug you?' is similar to a quieter version of 'Go, go!' or 'Fighting!' that carries determination. At least that's what I claim.

'Shall I hug you?' and 'Can I hug you?',

I suggest you ponder which question you should ask the person next to you today.