The Stages of Relationship: Single or DINK - Part 1

Premise: Do you love yourself today?

"Self-love is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
"Oscar Wilde"

Situation: A gathering of single men and women in their thirties and forties who identify themselves as being single by choice or DINKs (Dual Income, No Kids).

As I listened, something seemed off. While it seemed likely that they were all interested in marriage and that's why they came to this gathering, their actual views on marriage were quite different. They were meticulously outlining their stances on marriage, preemptively anticipating various scenarios that could arise from it. There was a man arguing for the validity of choosing to remain single, claiming that the patriarchal marriage culture in Korea hinders the overall lives of women. Meanwhile, a woman explained why she wouldn't have children, based on her childhood experiences and recent conversations with her friends about parenting. The discussion was quite heated, and those present seemed to largely agree with the points being made.

However, what intrigued me most was that they were all currently single, meaning that none of them were in a relationship.

Phenomenon: How did marriage, a process of a relationship, become a goal?

Marriage is about two people coming together and being together. At least, that's how I've always seen it and understood it. Therefore, I've always believed that it's crucial to determine what kind of person you want to be with and what kind of person you have become.

The following is one of the materials I prepared to facilitate conversations with participants during a research project on "The Changing Relationship Between Our Bodies and Ourselves in the AI Age." This table was designed to quickly convey the goals and value structures we aim to achieve in life through our bodies within a limited time. It served as a catalyst for conversation, providing examples to guide participants' experiences and perceptions. (Note: The topics we were trying to understand included changes in experiences related to sex appeal, aging and decay, and changes in the meaning of expertise using physical senses.)

I would say I largely agree with the value structure shown above, which is based on the 1970s when 'purity' was considered an important social value. My consistent exercise, use of sunscreen and eye cream since my twenties, and efforts to develop my own style were all based on the desire to appear attractive to someone I might meet in the future. My focus on my career and becoming a recognized expert in my field was seen as an investment in financial stability to sustain a relationship. In short, the culmination of all these efforts is a relationship with someone I will spend my life with, a 'romance' that will continue even in old age. I imagined that process would begin with a first meeting, lead to dating, then perhaps marriage, followed by considering whether or not to have children and when would be the best time to have them. I didn't think this was an uncommon way of thinking.

However, as the research progressed, and through conversations with the participants in the single people's gathering, I was able to identify a common pattern.

Dating Expectations Dashed

One woman mentioned feeling very lonely lately, having realized how much she wished someone were there for her while she was hospitalized alone. However, while she mentioned her expectations for a potential partner (height, appearance, being younger), she maintained a passive attitude, hoping that someone would take an interest in her as she is. The longer she spent alone, the higher her ideal of a relationship became, but she remained silent about whether she herself was an ideal partner.

Marriage Becomes a Source of Fear

Many of the participants' reactions to the picture of two elderly people supporting each other were surprisingly filled with discomfort and fear of marriage. The term 'marriage' wasn't even explicitly mentioned beforehand. I was curious why marriage was the first thing that came to mind. Why were single men and women discussing the advantages of being single and living separately, sharing experiences of regretting attending gatherings of mostly married couples who are DINKs? There are many articles and so-called expert opinions analyzing this socially and politically. However, the opinion I most resonated with was from a life planner.

"Having listened to the big and small financial concerns of my clients for decades, it seems that young people nowadays are afraid of marriage. There's a vague, unending fear of whether they are good enough as an ideal marriage partner."

Is that why? Even though they aren't currently dating, when discussing the meaning of marriage as a social constraint and institution, explaining the burden of having and raising children, I felt that they were, in a way, sincere about dating and marriage. Like they were too afraid to approach what they really wanted.

Thoughts: Maturity in one's relationship with oneself might be the fastest path.

Ultimately, we look for someone to be there for us. And thus, it's natural to have expectations of someone who can fill in the missing pieces of ourselves. However, it's also worth seriously considering whether we are someone who would make the other person want to stay by our side.

I've encountered a few people in life who were incredibly attractive, with great education and family backgrounds. Even if I was ignored or dismissed, I'd sometimes manage to arrange a meal or conversation, offering help professionally or personally. I could create those opportunities, but I often found myself wondering if I was truly someone the other person would want to remain close to at the time. I hadn't thought that far ahead.

If I want someone, and imagine and long for a relationship with them that lasts into old age, then the goal of becoming someone who can offer the same kind of imagination and expectation to them has become more realistic for me. Perhaps this is why, through this research and through meeting these people in the single's gathering, seeing their responses shrink before actual dating but conceptualize and analyze the idea of marriage in their imagination, has been both bitter and fascinating. Of course, as I am currently single, I cannot be completely confident about this. However, it seems necessary to be honest about our desires and our present selves.

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