Premise: When death approaches, regrets follow

Be grateful before you regret.

Situation: I want to die, but my mom sent me a message

It was a post on SNS. It wasn't someone I knew, but they said they had been suffering from depression for a long time and now they wanted to be comfortable. Then, they said they hesitated because of a text message from their mother saying, 'Daughter, the weather is so nice today' and sending money for living expenses.

'Will my mom be very sad if I die?'

There were many comments, but I just felt a heavy sigh.

Phenomenon: When a child's body is harmed, it returns as the parent's guilt.

There are many people in my family who died of cancer. Among them, there are many cousins who passed away in their 40s and 50s. They were in their prime working age, they were the heads of their households, and they were finally being recognized by the companies where they had worked for more than 15 years. They all died like a lie, one after another within 56 years.

"If I could live for five more years, I would have nothing to wish for."

One of my cousins told me this story repeatedly a few days before he passed away.

And a few years later, the eldest brother of that family also died of cancer.

My great father, who lost two of his sons, was 90 years old at the time. He was tall, handsome, and was famous in the village as a scholar who was good at studying. He worked as a reporter for a media company, but after the change of government, he lost all opportunities and farmed for the rest of his life. But of all the time I knew my great father, the expression I saw that day at my eldest brother's funeral is still unforgettable.

It was desolate.

When he was sitting on the gray metal chair in the hallway, not in the mourning hall, there was nothing in his expression.

I was afraid. What if I died first, even if it was an accident? Would my father and mother look like that?

When I injured my back by doing weights with an excessively heavy weight, I was diagnosed at a hospital near Oksu Station, and my mother burst into tears while waiting for the subway.

My body is not my own. When a child's body is harmed, it returns as the parent's guilt. For the next six months, this thought kept coming back to me every moment while I was lying down.

How can I, who has not become a parent, know the heart of a parent? I can only guess from the reactions of my parents that I have witnessed. Facing the death of a child who has left, on the edge of life where there is no strength and little hope, every day, must be the worst situation for a parent, I think.

Thought: The choice is in the present for both those who have left and those who remain.

"Mom?"

In the last episode of the drama "Lee Jae, You'll Die Soon," the main character who committed suicide is reincarnated as his mother's body. Unlike the previous reincarnations who died young in various accidents and incidents, the main character lives in his mother's body until the moment of death from aging. The moment he sees his son's body, the moment he walks with his son's portrait at the funeral home, the moment he climbs to the top of the mountain after hiking with his aching knees is more painful than any other. Because he realized that he had to keep living to keep his mother's words to live until the end.

It's definitely not easy to live. Desire makes you want change, and you have hope and carry out actions to achieve that change in reality, and you get frustrated. When desire disappears, the meaning of life gradually fades away. In all this process, you are scared alone, and the meaningful time spent with your family, who were with you, gradually disappears. You just live like that.

Let's go back to the original SNS writer. In fact, it seems there is nothing that other people outside can do. The relationship that has been formed over time with flesh and blood, it is up to the one who has left and the one who remains to truly confirm what choice they will make within that relationship.

Sometimes life feels overwhelming. When that happens, I sometimes wonder what the meaning of this life is.

My conclusion then was 'Let's just live.' Let's just live until my parents pass away and I take care of their ancestral rites. After that, there may be other meaningful relationships to fill, or there may be unforeseen reasons for living that make life richer. Let's just fill the empty cup with a cup of coffee for myself today, drive my mother to the temple, and focus on the little moments. I think that and put it into practice.

I think there will be moments when I can feel reassured, saying, 'I've received a lot of love in my life.'

What kind of laughter can I bring to those who make me laugh now, those who stay by my side as if it's natural?

I think it's a good worry on a sunny Sunday. I suggest you choose to be happy today.