Premise: Regret follows when death approaches.
Be grateful before you regret.
Situation: I want to die, but my mom sent me a message.
It was a post on SNS. Although I didn't know the person, they had been suffering from depression for a long time and said they wanted to be at peace now. Then, the post mentioned that they hesitated because of a text message from their mother, who said, 'Daughter, the weather is so nice today,' and sent money to help with living expenses.
'If I die, will my mom be very sad?'
There were many comments, but I only felt a suffocating sigh.
Phenomenon: When a child's body suffers, it turns into guilt for the parents.
Many people in my paternal family have passed away from cancer. Among them, there are many cousin brothers who left early in their 40s and 50s. They were in the prime of their lives, were family heads, and had finally gained recognition at the companies where they had worked for over 15 years. All of them passed away like a lie within a span of 56 years.
"If I could only live 5 more years, I would have nothing else to wish for."
A cousin brother repeated this to me a few days before he passed away.
And a few years later, the eldest brother among them also passed away from cancer.
My great uncle, who lost two sons, was 90 years old at the time. He was tall, handsome, and known as a prodigy in the village for his intelligence. He worked as a journalist but lost all opportunities due to a change in government. He spent his entire life farming, filled with regrets. But among all the time I knew him, the expression I saw that day at the funeral of his eldest son is still unforgettable.
It was desolate.
There was nothing in his expression when he was sitting on a gray, steel chair in the hallway, not in the mourning hall.
I was scared. If I were to die in an accident, would my father and mother look like that?
When I injured my back by doing weight training with excessively heavy weights and got a diagnosis at a hospital near Oksu Station, my mother burst into tears while waiting for the subway.
My body was not my own. When a child's body suffers, it turns into guilt for the parents. This thought was deeply ingrained in me during the six months I spent lying down after that.
How can I, who have not become a parent, know the feelings of a parent? I can only infer it from the reactions of my parents that I have observed. Having to face the death of a child who passed away early every day in the last stages of life, which is powerless and lacks hope, wouldn't that be the worst situation for a parent? I thought so.
Thought: The choice for both the departed and the remaining is in the present.
In the final episode of the drama "I'll Be Dying Soon", the main character who committed suicide is reborn as their mother. Unlike the previous reincarnations, who died early due to various accidents and incidents, the main character lives through the aging process until the moment of death in their mother's body. The moment they see their son's corpse, the moment they walk with their son's portrait at the funeral home, are less painful than when they reach the top of a mountain after climbing with aching knees. It's because they realized that they have to keep living to fulfill the mother's wish to live until the end.
Certainly, living is not easy. Desires lead to wanting change, and to achieve that change in reality, we hold hope and take action, only to be met with setbacks. When those desires disappear, the meaning of life gradually fades. In all this process, being alone is scary, and the meaningful time spent with family gradually disappears. We simply live on.
Let's go back to the SNS writer from the beginning. It seemed that there was nothing that other external people could say. In a relationship that is connected by flesh and blood and refined by time, confirming the true meaning of the choices they make is only the responsibility of those who leave and those who remain.
Sometimes, life feels overwhelming. And when it does, I sometimes wonder what the meaning of this life is.
My conclusion at such times has become 'just live'. Let's just live until my parents pass away and the memorial services are held. After that, there may be other meaningful relationships, or my life might become more abundant due to unforeseen reasons. I simply fill an empty cup with coffee for myself today and drive my mother to the temple. I focus on the small, little moments and put them into practice.
I think there will come a time when I can feel relieved and say, 'Well, I've received a lot of love in my life'.
What kind of laughter can I bring to those who make me laugh now, those who naturally stay by my side?
I think it's a fitting concern on a nice Sunday. I suggest making a choice that will bring you happiness today.
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