- Behind the Anger: Still Unforgiven - 2
- This article explores the undercurrents of anger through an incident of verbal abuse in a hospital parking lot and the father's response. It's a story where urgency and parental feelings intersect.
Premise: Who is the subject of the rage?
"Other weapons are used by people, but the weapon of rage, conversely, uses us."
"Château de Montaigne"
Situation: Even though I earn hundreds of millions of won every month, I am still furious thinking about an employee who embezzled funds a few years ago.
I tried to hide it, but I was quite surprised inside. As a medical professional, for over a decade, this person had continuously refined their criteria for their work by pondering various philosophical and academic questions about the meaning of pain and suffering. During 6-7 intermediate meetings, friendly greetings about their daily life gradually increased, and one day, I witnessed a glimpse of their extremely private side, where they struggled to suppress their anger along with their curses.
The fact that a trusted internal employee had embezzled money for several years, the recorded phone calls filled with curses and angry exchanges related to this, even though it was an incident that happened 4-5 years ago, the person was still severely angry about it and seemed to feel the need to express that anger. Of course, I couldn't clearly know what exactly happened, who caused how much damage, and the extent of the damage or hurt they received. However, what was clearly confirmed was that, even though not frequently, they were recalling and re-checking their past anger by listening to the recorded phone call contents.
Phenomenon: Whose anger is it?
To outsiders, this person was someone who respected their patients and was respected by them. However, the expression and emotions revealed when sharing about the past incident were extremely poignant or desperate, like that of a victim of an accident or incident. Through the emotional expressions and specific materials that were gradually becoming difficult even to hear, a question began to etch itself clearly in my mind. "Is this anger directed at that employee, or at themselves for not noticing the long-standing embezzlement?"
Even if the initial target of anger is external, it ultimately results in self-destruction.
I understand. I know this is just the irresponsible opinion of an outsider who is not the party involved. However, anger towards a situation involves resentment, fear, powerlessness, and the expectation that the other party will understand this. And because that expectation presupposes a relative relationship that I cannot start and finish alone, it cannot be fulfilled in the first place. Anger can be a process of convincing oneself. However, as this process is reproduced and prolonged, one must pay attention to the fact that my vague expectation for an unanswered cry begins to gnaw at me.
The basic position of the party who caused the anger and their experience during the process are very different.
During the height of the Corona pandemic, when going outside itself induced guilt, Clubhouse was a new app service that received great attention. It had the novelty of creating chat rooms like KakaoTalk group chat rooms and conducting real-time conversations among participants like a radio or podcast on various topics. People of various ages and experts from various fields gathered and held daily discussions. Then, there was a situation where a host who opened a chat room every morning at 7 am shared that they had continuously received messages of anger and criticism from an anonymous person through blog posts and Instagram DMs. They were worried about how to respond to this rather persistent and subtly delivered gloomy approach, and the message I could deliver was almost unique.
"You just have to distance yourself."
He was checking DMs and blog posts every day, anxiously observing whether more posts were coming up. He opened a chat room with a vague expectation to seek opinions on whether there was sufficient grounds for legal action, etc. But he overlooked the fact that some people experience the situation itself as an achievement or accomplishment.
Someone who finds it difficult to fully reveal themselves to the outside world and lives hidden in their own world might have seen him standing on a stage he created himself every morning, cheerfully and energetically, greeting everyone. And for some reason, hiding in the anonymity of the audience, someone mustered their courage and threw a stone at him. The host who was hit by the stone was angry and embarrassed, but tried to understand and persuade this from his own perspective and common sense. But what if the person who threw the stone felt embarrassed and ashamed of their actions and hid again? What if they watch their actions become the topic of conversation? Furthermore, what if someone else who witnessed all this starts to imagine, "Maybe I should too?"
Sometimes, the attempt to understand itself can be arrogant. Moreover, if the premise underlying this is my common sense, my standards, then that attempt itself can turn into an opportunity for someone else to bind themselves further. That's why the message parents give their children, "Live by seeing only good things," contains quite a lot.
Above all, those who throw stones, knowing that what they hold in their hands is a hard stone and that you will hurt when hit by it, have already decided on an attitude of indifference and avoidance towards your situation and position. I repeat, they made that decision knowingly. Therefore, the very attempt to empathize with them implies a self-destructive meaning, as it means giving up self-defense. You cannot fully understand them. Therefore, the only way to face them is either "complete destruction" or "complete indifference." I advised that completely parting ways from everything in daily life that reminds you of the anger and sense of victimhood related to the issue — deleting the blog post link, deleting the related platform app, deleting Instagram DMs, and avoiding accessing the app for a while — would be the best response. Why? Because the recovery and re-immersion into daily life is also the core of the most effective self-treatment.
In other words, it is necessary to become aware that the act of accessing all the large and small elements that remind you of anger is your choice. And this is also applicable to the person who chooses to periodically replay the anger-filled recorded phone call file. The other party may have already forgotten even shame or guilt. Even if you rekindle anger and restart criticism towards them, you are the only one who will be hurt by the process and outcome.
Anger affects not only the individual but also the lives of those around them.
I happened to have the opportunity to interview this person's family. The conversation was basically in the professional realm. However, the subsequent conversation was also an addition of understanding and concern for this person as a family member. Watching the legal response and the individual's reaction to it leads to an awareness of the seriousness of the matter and concern about the changes in the individual. In particular, the common sense standards of the attitude to be maintained as a professional seen from the outside would have made this person's expression of anger in their private life even more dramatic. The more unforgettable the issue, the more it connects to various concerns in the imagination and reality for the people around them who can only watch. What is trivial to the person involved might be confirmed as something significant in the imagination and worry of the watching family and could also become excessive worry and another source of guilt.
Thought: Will they eventually realize that the choice of oblivion is best?
It's a natural response to be angry. The background of that anger, which was shared with me for a while, was so complex that it was difficult to understand and accept. However, another important part I could confirm at those moments were the signs of anger seen in the body. How could I judge and talk about the anger that hasn't subsided even after so many years? I could only listen, thinking it was a passing phase.
I just hoped that the process would continue only to the extent that the body containing that anger could endure. I thought that one day, this person, who is more mature and successful than before, as anyone can see, might make a more lenient choice towards themselves, recalling the past. That was the best thing I could say.
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