Premise: Who is the subject of anger?

" Others use weapons, but the weapon of anger uses us.
" Château de Montaigne

Situation: I am still angry at the employee who embezzled money years ago, even though I earn hundreds of millions of won every month.

I tried to hide it, but I was quite surprised. As a medical professional, for over a decade, he had been raising various philosophical and academic questions about the meaning of pain and suffering, and had been sharpening his own standards in his work. During 6~7 intermediate meetings, casual greetings about the daily routine gradually increased, and one day, I witnessed his extremely personal side where he was unable to suppress his anger with curses.

The fact that a trusted internal employee had embezzled money for years, the phone recordings filled with curses and angry conversations related to it, and the incident that had already happened 4~5 years ago, the person involved was still seriously angry and seemed to feel the need to express that anger. Of course, I didn't know exactly what happened, how much damage was done, and how much damage or injury was caused by it. However, what was clear was that he was recalling and reconfirming the anger he experienced in the previous situation, even if it was not often, by listening to the recorded phone conversations.

Phenomenon: Whose anger is it?

He was a person who respected his patients and was respected by them from the outside. But the expression and emotions that were revealed when sharing about the previous incident were filled with the utter misery or desperation of a victim of an incident or accident. Gradually, the emotional outburst that became too heavy to listen to and the specific data I was presented with, began to engrave a question into my mind. 'Is this anger directed at the employee, or at myself for not noticing the embezzlement for so long?'

Even if the initial target of anger is external, it ultimately leads to self-destruction.

I know. I know this is just a careless opinion from an outsider who isn't the person involved. But there is resentment, fear, helplessness, and the expectation that the other person will understand this anger. And because that expectation presupposes a relative relationship that I can't start and finish on my own, it can't be fulfilled from the start. Anger can be a process of convincing oneself. But as this process is reproduced and prolonged, we need to pay attention to the fact that my vague expectations of unanswered cries begin to eat away at me.

The basic position of the person who caused the anger and the experience during the process are very different.

During the height of COVID-19, when even going outside felt like a guilt trip, Clubhouse, a new app service, was gaining a lot of attention. Like a KakaoTalk group chat room, it allowed people to create chat rooms, discuss various topics, and engage in real-time conversations like radio or podcasts. Many people of different ages and professionals from various fields gathered to have discussions every day. Then, one host who opened a chat room every morning at 7 am shared that they were continuously receiving angry and critical messages from anonymous people through blog posts, Instagram DMs, etc. He was worried about how to respond to this persistent and subtly presented gloomy approach, and my message was almost the only one I could convey.

"You just have to distance yourself."

He was checking his DMs and blog posts every day, and he was anxiously watching to see if more posts were coming. He opened a chat room with the vague hope of seeking opinions on whether there was enough evidence for legal action, etc. But he was overlooking the fact that some people experience the situation itself as an achievement and a success.

Someone who found it difficult to reveal themselves completely to the outside world, immersed in their own world, might have seen him standing on a stage he had created, greeting them brightly and cheerfully every morning. And for some reason, they hid behind the anonymity of the audience and threw stones at him. The host was angry and confused, but he tried to understand and persuade from his own point of view and his own common sense. But what if the person who threw the stone was shocked and ashamed of their actions and hid again? What if they were watching their actions become the topic of conversation? And what if someone who saw all of this started imagining 'Maybe I'm like that too?'

Sometimes, trying to understand is arrogance. Especially if the premise underlying it is my common sense, my standards, then the attempt itself can be transformed into an opportunity for someone to tie you down further. That's why the message parents tell their children, "Just see the good things," holds so much.

Most importantly, those who threw stones knowing they were hard and that you would hurt when hit have already decided to be indifferent and avoid your situation or position. Again, they decided knowing this. Therefore, trying to empathize with them already contains the self-destructive meaning of giving up self-defense. You can't fully understand them. That's why almost the only way to face them is either 'complete destruction' or 'complete indifference'. Deleting the link to the blog post, deleting the related platform app, deleting Instagram DMs and not accessing the app itself for a while, etc., a complete farewell from everything in daily life that reminds you of the anger and sense of victimization is the best response. Why? Because recovering and re-immersion in everyday life is also the key to the most effective self-healing.

In other words, it is necessary to be aware that the very act of accessing all the large and small elements that remind me of anger is my choice. And this is a story that can be applied to the person who chooses to play the angry recorded phone call file periodically. The other person may have already forgotten even the shame or guilt. Even if you try to reignite their anger and restart the blame towards those who have already forgotten the shame or guilt, you are the only one who gets hurt in the process and the outcome.

Anger affects not only the individual but also the lives of those around them.

I happened to have the chance to interview his family. The conversation was basically in the professional realm. But the following conversation was also an addition of understanding and concern for him as a family member. Watching the legal response and the individual's response to it makes one aware of the seriousness of the matter and leads to concerns and worries about the person's change. Especially the common sense standards of the professional attitude one must maintain in public would have made them perceive his anger expression in the private realm more dramatically. The more difficult it is to forget, the more it becomes connected to worries in large and small areas, and imaginations in the families who have to watch it. For the person involved, something that might seem trivial can be confirmed as a big meaning in the family's imagination, and it can be experienced as excessive worry and another sense of guilt.

Thoughts: Will they realize that choosing oblivion is the best choice someday?

Getting angry is a natural reaction. Behind the anger that was shared with me, even for a short time, many things were intertwined, making it difficult to understand and accept. But one other important part that I could confirm at every moment was the signs of anger confirmed by the body. How can I judge and talk about anger that hasn't subsided even after years? I had no choice but to listen, thinking it was a passing process.

I just hoped that the process would continue until the body that held that anger could endure it. I hoped that the person who, in the eyes of everyone, was living a more mature and successful life today, would someday be able to make a choice that was a little more forgiving towards themselves, recalling the past. That was the best story I could tell.

Please check the following content at the link below due to the character count limit.

https://durumis.com/ko/@ryan-reason/rage-behind-still-can-not-forgive-2-6b7nl0d2