Premise: Rejection in reality, you have to try it.

" If you can reject without guilt,
we can truly make our lives our own.
" Andrew Matthews

Situation: I'm in a meeting now, so please wait 30 more minutes.

It was a message I received after letting him know that I had arrived 20 minutes early. Since he was in a meeting on a different floor in the same cafe, I stayed in the same place, thinking it might be a distraction if he saw me. But a few minutes after I sent the reply, "Okay, let me know when you're done," I received another reply saying the meeting was over.

The meeting that day was a meeting that I had suggested to hear about the everyday experiences of a friend I had known for several years, related to the research topic I was working on at the time. I confirmed the message that arrived soon after and went up to the upper floor to start the conversation.

And then, there were continuous, evasive replies that I received. I asked the best questions I could, depending on the response, and ended the conversation, adapting to the somewhat passive response. I thanked him again for his time and left, and during a later exchange of messages, he mentioned that he felt uncomfortable with the conversation that day.

Only then did all the awkward moments of that day begin to make sense.

Phenomenon: Sometimes, consideration does not become consideration.

Rejection is actually a kind of superpower. In the process of our surroundings occurring and progressing, it is an opportunity to present ourselves with a choice, however small, for moments when we need to rush and moments when we need to take a breath.

Taking care of your own feelings first

If he had expressed his position before the appointment was confirmed, he would not have been tortured alone by the discomfort until the appointment time. Also, he wouldn't have had to struggle to try to adjust his answers according to my purpose and intention, which had been shared in advance in documents, while talking directly. I heard that he was already filling his life with his own business, company work, various gatherings, and exercise. If that one-hour conversation was so burdensome in the meantime, it would have been clearly the best choice for him to reject it, even if he faced a little burden.

Rejection as consideration for the other person

First of all, I had to travel a considerable distance for the schedule at that time. Since he was a friend who had invited me to his home party years ago when I was a stranger researching drinking habits and had actively and interestingly participated in the conversation, I had even canceled other schedules and decided to go there. That's why I left the office early to value his time even more and refined the context of the question more carefully at the appointed place where I arrived early. However, as a result, the content I could confirm as a researcher was very limited, as much as the discomfort of the person who had engaged in the conversation.

In other words, the decision he made, which he considered consideration, not to reject, became the trigger for an uncomfortable and unproductive time for each other.

Thinking: What if I had focused more on my subjective role in the difficult conversation?

Douglas Stone, author of Difficult Conversation and professor of negotiation strategy at Harvard Law School, tells us that there are some Blind Spots we experience when difficult conversations take place.

A. Different perceptions of the same reality

We usually think we are right. And that means the other person is also approaching the conversation with the same thought. Because we don't think we are the problem, we think what we say is reasonable, and the other person also judges that their position and opinion are reasonable, so they face each other, which is the reality of the actual conversation taking place.

B. Unconfirmed assumptions about intentions

We often assume we know the other person's intentions when we try to have a difficult conversation. Unconfirmed intentions only exist in the other person's mind, so unless we explicitly state our own intentions, it can be a seed for misunderstanding in the conversation.

C. Emotional expressions that hide emotions

There are times when our communication skills are impaired because we are too passionate about the conversation. Especially when we are very angry, we cannot communicate our feelings properly or listen to the other person's words. However, honest emotional expression is key to resolving the problem. Therefore, unexpressed emotions can worsen the situation.

D. Focus on blame

It is common when going through conflict to focus on who is responsible for the problem. Who is the bad guy? Who made the mistake? Who should apologize? Who has the right to be stubborn and angry? Focusing on blame hinders us from identifying the cause of the problem and taking important steps to resolve it, so it can only be inefficient.

Referring to these points, here are some choices that I and my friend could have considered at the time.

• Creating a safe conversation

At the time, we may have thought that we had both considered each other's positions enough. However, there was definitely an opportunity for us to propose a conversation process that shared each other's positions on the situation of rejection that did not occur. What if we had asked each other clearly about the situation we were in at the time so that we could embrace each other's purpose and confirm mutual respect?

• Listening

The phrase "Try to understand first, then try to be understood" is one that we should never forget. I wish I had approached the conversation with a more open and honest curiosity about my friend so that I could have noticed his hesitant appearance in advance of answering.

• Use of 'I' message

In response to my friend's text, "Please wait 30 minutes more," I replied, "Okay, let me know when you're done." He may have imagined, "Maybe he's angry or uncomfortable" in that I didn't clearly state my position in the situation where I had to wait 30 minutes more. I tend to think that arguing or questioning in such a situation is meaningless because it only hurts each other's feelings, so I didn't make my feelings clear. The appointment time was usually the time when I finished my work, and since the other person was a friend, "That's okay" was my basic position.

However, if I had been more clear about my "thoughts" that I understood your situation and could wait without any burden, I wouldn't have made him imagine the "uncomfortable situation" who was already out to keep his promise with a heavy heart.

• Asking about mutual contribution

This is also the background for me writing this article. The meeting that day and the text message conversation I had after I got home were actually not a big deal. It was interesting because we clearly tried to be considerate of each other, but we had an experience where we weren't completely comfortable with each other. If I meet that friend again, I would like to share how we each contributed to the situation we created at the time as a way of prevention, not blame.