Subject
- #Refusal
Premise: Rejection in reality, you have to try it.
"If you can reject without guilt,
you can truly make your life your own."
"Andrew Matthews"
Situation: I'm in a meeting right now, can you wait 30 more minutes?
It was a message I received after informing that I arrived 20 minutes early and the agreed-upon time had come. Furthermore, since the meeting was taking place on a different floor of the same cafe, I stayed put for fear of interrupting if I was seen. However, just a few minutes after sending my reply, 'Okay, let me know when it's over', I received another message saying the meeting had ended.
That meeting was a meeting I had proposed to a friend I'd known for years to hear about his everyday experiences related to a research topic I was working on at the time. Soon after, I checked the message and went up to the upper floor to start the conversation.
And afterward, I continued to receive hesitant replies. I asked questions with all my might depending on the responses, and ended the conversation accordingly, adjusting to the somewhat passive responses. I expressed my gratitude once again for taking the time and left, and during subsequent messaging, the friend brought up that the conversation that day had been uncomfortable for them.
That's when all the awkward moments of that day began to make sense.
Phenomenon: Consideration can sometimes fail to be consideration.
Rejection is actually a kind of superpower. Because, as situations surrounding us arise and progress, and we encounter moments where we need to rush and moments where we need to take a breather, it becomes an opportunity to give ourselves a little choice, however small, for ourselves.
Taking care of your own feelings first
If the friend had expressed their position before the appointment was confirmed, they wouldn't have suffered alone from the discomfort until the appointed time. Also, during the actual conversation, they wouldn't have had to struggle to adjust their answers based on my purpose and intentions, which had been shared in advance in document form. Apparently, the friend was already busy filling their life with concretizing their own business, company work, various gatherings, and exercise. If a single hour of conversation was that much of a burden amidst all of this, it seemed clear that rejecting it, even if it meant facing a brief moment of discomfort, would have been the best choice for them.
Rejection as consideration for the other person
First of all, I had to travel a considerable distance for the schedule at that time. Since it was the same friend who had invited me, a stranger investigating drinking habits a few years prior, to their home party and participated in the conversation with an enthusiastic and interested attitude, I had cancelled other plans and decided to go to the meeting. This is why I left the office even earlier to value their time more and polished the context of my questions more precisely at the appointed location where I arrived early. However, as a result, the amount of information I, as a researcher, could confirm was inevitably very limited, as much as the discomfort the other person felt during the conversation.
In other words, the decision not to reject, which the friend perceived as consideration, became the trigger for an uncomfortable and unproductive time for both of us.
Thoughts: What if I had focused more on my subjective role in the difficult conversation?
Douglas Stone, author of Difficult Conversations and a Harvard Law School professor who teaches negotiation strategies, points out that there are a few Blind Spots we experience when engaging in difficult conversations.
A. Different perceptions of the same reality
Usually, we believe that we are right. And that means that the other person is also approaching the conversation with the same mindset. Because they don't think of themselves as the problem, they believe their words are valid, and the other person also believes their stance and opinion are rational, and this is the reality of how conversations actually occur.
B. Unverified assumptions about intentions
We often assume we know the other person's intentions when we try to have difficult conversations. Unverified intentions only exist in the other person's mind, so unless you explicitly state your own intentions, it can be the seed of misunderstanding in a conversation.
C. Emotional expressions that mask emotions
There are times when we get so caught up in a conversation that our communication skills are impaired. Especially when we're very angry, we may not be able to convey our emotions properly or listen to the other person. However, honest expression of emotions is key to solving problems. Therefore, unexpressed emotions can also worsen the situation.
D. Focusing on blame
When we experience conflict, it's common to focus on who is responsible for the problem. Who is the bad guy? Who made a mistake? Who should apologize? Who is being stubborn and entitled to anger? Focusing on blame hinders us from identifying the root cause of the problem and taking the necessary steps to resolve it, ultimately making it inefficient.
Referring to these points, here are the choices that I and my friend could have considered at that time that would have been better.
- Creating a safe conversation
At the time, we may have thought we were fully considering each other's positions. However, there was definitely an opportunity for a choice to suggest a process of conversation where we could share our perspectives on the unfulfilled rejection scenario. I wondered what would have happened if we had clearly asked about the situations each of us was facing at the time to foster mutual respect and embrace each other's goals.
- Listening
'Try to understand first, then try to be understood' is a phrase we should never forget. I regret not approaching the conversation with a more open and honest curiosity about my friend, so that I could have noticed the hesitation in their response a little earlier.
- Using 'I' messages
In response to my friend's text, 'Can you wait 30 more minutes?', I replied, 'Okay, let me know when it's over.' In a situation where they had to wait 30 more minutes, they may have imagined, 'Are they angry or uncomfortable?' because I didn't clearly state my position. Because of my personality, I tend to think that arguing and questioning in such situations only hurts feelings and is meaningless, so I didn't clearly express my feelings. The appointment time was also usually when I finished work, and given that the other person was a friend, 'Well, it's understandable' was my basic stance.
But if I had expressed my 'thoughts' more clearly that I fully understood their situation and could wait without any burden, I wouldn't have made them imagine an 'uncomfortable situation' on top of an already uncomfortable situation.
- Consultation on mutual contribution
This is also the reason why I'm writing this post now. The meeting that day and the messages we exchanged after returning home actually made a deeper impression on me than I expected in the context of the situation at the time. It was clear that we both tried to be considerate of each other, but the fact that we weren't completely comfortable with each other was interesting. If I meet that friend again, I want to share with them, as a preventive measure, how we each contributed to the situation we created that day, not through blame, but through sharing.
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