Premise: Self-criticism for a healthy self?

"If you want to achieve something important, self-satisfaction is a terrible trap.
" Amancio Ortega ZARA Founder

Situation: Dozens of participants in their thirties, forties and fifties VS One speaker in their twenties

It was actually embarrassing. In a Clubhouse room, a voice-based social media that was created based on the topic of intergenerational communication being difficult and reflecting the opinions of both sides, the actual participants who expressed their intention to speak were dozens to one. The only woman in her twenties who dared to speak was struggling to express her own opinion in a way that was respectful, even in this situation of being outnumbered, while at the same time trying to avoid the constant interruptions of the older generation(?) who were inserting their own reactions.

Then, a celebrity in their forties, who had joined the conversation, brought the imbalance to its peak. The woman in her twenties, who had been explaining why it was difficult to communicate with parents or superiors at work, seemed to catch her breath for a moment. Even though she was participating in the conversation in her own space, just through her voice, there were dozens of people listening to her words publicly in real time, and she couldn't seem to back down in the face of various responses from the older generation who seemed determined to continue speaking. It seemed difficult to logically convey the opinion representing the twenties in the face of that. That brief silence, as if she were organizing her next statement, continued, when…

"I completely understand and empathize. So... this is what you mean, right?"

The celebrity, without stopping, attempted to simplify all the stories that had been told so far according to the standard of being in one's twenties, identifying it with their own experience and the feelings they had experienced in the process. They then added their own experiences from their teenage years and twenties as a celebrity, and the contents of a book they had recently read, saying that people in their twenties should experience a lot of things anyway. Their argument, which concluded with "So, don't be afraid to try things out, don't ever give up, I'm rooting for you," seemed quite sincere. After the speaking rights were passed on, the host, who was in their forties or fifties, added a summary and confirmation, to which the woman in her twenties remained silent. "I understand the younger generation's perspective now," followed by the older generation's statement, "I'm so glad we have this opportunity to have this honest conversation, and I'm grateful to the hosts for organizing this." After listening for more than ten minutes, the woman in her twenties cautiously opened her mouth.

"Um... I think what I've been trying to say... seems to be getting across differently than I intended..."

"Oh, really? What is it..."

"So, what I was trying to say..."

Another moment of catching one's breath came, and the celebrity in their forties took that breath away again.

"I completely understand and empathize. So..."

And so, the repetition began again a few more times.

Phenomenon: Empathy for whom? Is it appropriate to judge that you understand the other person?

The phenomenon of why intergenerational communication is difficult was already being confirmed in real time within the chat room.

The illusion of 'understanding.' In fact, it's an impossible human goal.

In many relationships, the expression 'understanding' often appears in situations of conflict such as 'I thought you'd understand me,' 'You should have understood me,' or 'I understand you.' And because this is based on the premise of 'being able to understand,' it often becomes an incomplete standard without substance in the controversy over expectations and qualifications towards the other person.

However, humans cannot originally understand each other. According to Heidegger, human beings are beings thrown into the world. We didn't know whether we would be born into the world of our parents' family, which was built in the country of South Korea, or into two different worlds. When we woke up, we had to adapt to the existing country, the world of each family, the rules, values, and regulations that flow through them, and we discovered ourselves through the time we spent with different people in the schools, workplaces, and communities we met as we grew up, and we experienced our own uniqueness differently within that. Therefore, the best thing humans can do is not to 'understand,' but to 'constantly strive to understand.'

In fact, in consulting projects, the most important process is to clearly acknowledge what both sides know and don't know at the starting point. The premise of acknowledging and recognizing each other's present as it is, is the basis for the fastest and most effective way to concretize the problem and find solutions smoothly. Even in relationships, starting from 'you know' can easily lead to situations where the signs of discord are covered up, and the deeper the process becomes, the more the cracks grow, only to confirm that the emotional gap is already too deep to recover.

Therefore, starting the conversation with 'I cannot understand the other person' and attempting judgments and evaluations that seem impossible, can actually make many things clearer over time and provide opportunities to understand the other person better than before.

For the celebrity in their forties, the hosts, and many others who participated in the conversation assuming they were relatively older and from the opposite side of the woman in her twenties, it's worth considering whether the premise of 'I know your situation' put a burden on the other person before even starting the conversation, or whether it created an uncomfortable sense of tension even in the situation of listening to a response and giving an opinion.

Advice, starting from the premise of the other person's permission or request?

In relationships where advice is sought and given, the first thing that needs to be mutually confirmed is the permission of the person seeking advice. The beginning of advice is always an evaluation of the other person's current situation. Evaluation is not a pleasant experience, to say the least. Especially, an evaluation of the other person based on distorted and incomplete information usually only creates an uncomfortable sense of tension without achieving the initial goal.

The woman in her twenties was simply trying to explain her position at the request of the older generation. But the celebrity in their forties, after deliberately interrupting the flow, may have simply delivered an opinion filled with sincerity from their own perspective, which may have been inappropriate or unnecessary from the other person's perspective. And this could be seen as an attitude that lacks consideration or respect for the other person. In a situation where advice is sought and given, the topic of conversation is the 'life of the person seeking advice.' If you carefully consider who the advice is for, the celebrity in their forties may have pretended to be helping the other person, but in reality, they may have simply thrown out an opinion that satisfied themselves, then repeatedly became satisfied with themselves and retreated.

Not generations or age, but people living in the same era.

The premise confirmed in the conversation can be said to be 'my twenties and your twenties were both equally difficult.' However, the part we need to revisit here is that there is a 'change in the times' firmly placed between those two twenties. From the perspective of the country's growth process, during the period after the war when buildings were built, highways were opened, and capital was invested in the country's core industries, the so-called wage increases for workers and the standards for housing were more stable than in the current period of saturated growth. On the other hand, considering that currently, everyone from their twenties to their fifties and sixties is being driven toward investment that is closer to speculation, such as real estate and Bitcoin, the flow of each era can be considered the key standard for concretizing the characteristics of generations.

Age is just age. Today's twenties experienced a fiercely competitive era of adolescence, unlike any previous generation, and even after entering college in their twenties, they had to focus on their grades for employment. The consolation from their parents that "You can do whatever you want once you get into college" disappeared decades ago. These people, who did not experience the fierce teenage years and twenties of those in their twenties, how can they presume to understand their present based on their own twenties, and judge their lack of present as a matter of course? This kind of delusion seems to be something they should be ashamed of, in a way.

Due to the character limit, please check the following content at the link below.

https://durumis.com/ko/@ryan-reason/experience-the-order-of-mutual-recognition-when-young-2-g3n4r7eh